CAT FACTS! Special Low-Calorie Edition

CAT FACTS!
My fat cat has been eating specially prescribed cat food for fatties for a while now. She has gone through her first bag of the stuff and had to be taken to the vet to be weighed and to purchase a second bag.
The cat hates to be put in her special carrier bag and driven in the car over to the vet. She starts yowling and shedding immediately after being placed in the bag, so the when the bag is opened and she is released, she is surrounded by an exploding cloud of dandruffy fur. CAT FACT.
The cat has not lost any weight on the specialty cat food, so I was advised to start feeding her less of it.  This is professional vetrinary advice.  “Your cat is still too fat. Feed her less.” CAT FACT.
In fact, the cat has gained one ounce of fat. CAT FACT.
I had to purchase a second bag of the fat cat food, which cost me $40.00.  Spelled out with words, that is equal to forty dollars. CAT FACT.
This whole excercise would seem pointless except for the fact that when she spite-shits on the floor now, there is less of it to clean up. CAT FACT.

My fat cat has been eating specially prescribed cat food for fatties for a while now. She has gone through her first bag of the stuff and had to be taken to the vet to be weighed and to purchase a second bag.

The cat hates to be put in her special carrier bag and driven in the car over to the vet. She starts yowling and shedding immediately after being placed in the bag, so the when the bag is opened and she is released, she is surrounded by an exploding cloud of dandruffy fur. CAT FACT.

The cat has not lost any weight on the specialty cat food, so I was advised to start feeding her less of it.  This is professional vetrinary advice.  “Your cat is still too fat. Feed her less.” CAT FACT.

In fact, the cat has gained one ounce of fat. CAT FACT.

Fuck you.
Fuck you.

I had to purchase a second bag of the fat cat food, which cost me $40.00.  Spelled out with words, that is equal to forty dollars. CAT FACT.

This whole excercise would seem pointless except for the fact that when she spite-shits on the floor now, there is less of it to clean up. CAT FACT.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “CAT FACTS! Special Low-Calorie Edition

  1. clarabella November 3, 2009 / 12:22 pm

    I am sorry for your cat trouble, but this post cracked my shit up. Oh that Flannery is a feisty one. I love how that picture is very obviously a big “fuck you” to whoever is looking at it. Poor fat Flannery. Good luck.

  2. Ruby November 3, 2009 / 1:55 pm

    You know, you could save yourself a fat heaping lot of money on vet bills and special food by just buying food with similar ingredient percentage specifications at the pet store or the big box store and feeding her less of it.

    Because, honestly, if she’s in fact gaining fat on the correct amount of the expensive shit, there’s something else wrong or she’s just meant to be fat. Or you could start feeding her salad and see how that works out.

    Our solution to a fat cat was more outside time, but you don’t live in a yarded house, so I see how that could go horribly wrong (or right, considering the current state of your relationship with her).

    Our fat cat (Bam) taught herself to go outside after having lived indoors for eight years, taught herself to hunt, run around, climb trees… you know, exercise. Maybe you should see if Flannery is willing to go out on a leash and do a walkabout. E’s cool harness would do the trick, and you already have a leash.

    Who knows, she might like it.

  3. Kristen November 3, 2009 / 2:05 pm

    Oh, god, I hate the spite-shit.

    My cat was fat when my husband was in charge of feeding. Now I do it and she’s not. She gets a decent quality food from Petsmart, and I feed her less. Works like magic!

  4. mel November 3, 2009 / 8:56 pm

    chase that beyotch around the house! you both get exercise! how old is that cat now anyway? and how fat? she’s not as fat as that cat (lovingly referred to as “cat puddle”) allison had when we were in college, is she?

  5. Vague November 4, 2009 / 8:28 am

    So, I didn’t say this in the post, but I am actually already feeding her the smallest possible amount of cat food I can.

    ALSO! The cat is 10 years old and she has been pretty much the same weight (within 0.5 lbs or so) since she was 1 or 2 years old. So basically for her entire adult life.

    ALSO ALSO! I have ZERO INTENTION of purchasing any further bags of prescription fatty catty food. I just can’t afford it. So she’ll get the smallest legal amount until we’re done with this bag and then it’s back on the store bought stuff no matter what.

    These have been CAT FACTS! Thanks for listening.

    Oh, and re: the outside issue: she has never ever gone or been outside (except in the carrier between the door and the car). She also runs away and hides when I open the front door. I feel doubtful that this would work, unless I open the door and carry her like a mile away from the house and make her run back inside. HMMMM…

  6. Timothy November 4, 2009 / 9:40 am

    We use the pro-plan indoor weight management for our fat cat. We feed her 1/2 a cup a day. She is still fat. CAT FACT

    You could always buy her a harness and try running with her, a friend of mine walks his cat in this manner.

  7. Vague November 4, 2009 / 6:04 pm

    Running with her! That’ll do it!

  8. pea November 4, 2009 / 6:15 pm

    Is she having other health problems? Maybe that’s just the weight that works for her.

  9. Ruby November 4, 2009 / 11:11 pm

    Yeah, if she’s been this same weight her whole life and is a’skeert of the open door, there’s not going to be a whole lot of changing.

  10. Vague November 5, 2009 / 7:47 am

    P and R – I’m starting to think this is just what she weighs. For years my vets have been telling me to get her to lose weight, but she really doesn’t have any other health problems. Maybe it’s time to quit worrying about it. I’ll give this bag of gold diet cat food a chance, but then…eh. Oh, she weighs 12.5 lbs, if that number is useful to anyone.

  11. pea November 5, 2009 / 10:36 am

    Shoot, I’ve had cats where that’s their best weight before. Current cats (almost three years old): one weighs 7 lbs and the other 18 lbs. Neither cat is too skinny or too fat. Also, they like to wrestle under our bed in the middle of the night, making “oof” sounds.

  12. suomichris November 18, 2009 / 11:50 pm

    Omg, somehow I missed this post! How?!

    In other news, I still have a three-legged cat I can send you…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s