Mysteriously, several of my bright young whippersnappers seemed this morning to have disappeared without a trace. Sad, empty chairs sat where students used to be; rooms normally filled with off-topic chatter were eerily silent; even the usual stench of old beer and B.O. had faded to a ghost of its former self.
Looking out into the boundless emptiness, I was lost in contemplation. “Where have all the students gone,” I sang to myself in the tune of that old folk trio, “long time pa-aa-ssing.”
As usual, though, it wasn’t long before I and my assistant, Starbuck*, were able to suss out an explanation. One glance at my email inbox at the dozen or so messages received without subject lines between the hours of nine and eleven this morning: this told us all we needed to know.
“Hey Mrs. Vague,” they addressed me — erroneously, but with breezy and casual insouciance, “I am sorry to tell you but i have been very sick with flu like symptoms and will not be able to atend yr class to turn in my essay….”
“Of course,” I cried to Starbuck. “‘Flu like’ symptoms! That solves it, all right.” And it did. The only mystery remaining was why anyone thinks it is a better use of one’s time to sit in the school clinic’s waiting room for hours on end just to obtain a medical excuse note, when that time could be spent writing an effing English paper.
Case Status: Closed
*Long-time readers will be pleased to know that my assistant Jameson is still in my employ, however, he has been greatly over-worked of late and thus I have had to hire Starbuck as additional help.